Be confident - Get the girl you always wanted

You’ve heard it a million times: “The confident guy always gets the girl.” What’s more, you’ve seen it. Oozing self-assurance, it’s the confident guy who strides into a social setting and waltzes out with the knockout, the one who has turned everyone else’s efforts into slices of humble pie. He takes care of business without boasting and without much apparent effort.

For that matter, he’s the guy with the nad to ask women out in the first place. That’s confidence. And if you lack it, all the “nice personality” in the world isn’t going to transform you from an ordinary man into Salman Khan, you’ve always wanted to be.

We know what you’re thinking: You’d be having a heck of a lot more fun in life if you only had a few more nerve bundles. Well, here are some tips for getting the right synaptic edge.

1. Get a life. The first step in being confident is to have something to be confident about. You don’t have to be rich and successful, but women do prefer guys with “potential.” So when you’re conversing with a date, without bragging, focus on the aspects of your job and other interests that could lead to bigger and better things. Women also like men who are enthusiastic and passionate, so figure out what it is you love in your life—whether it’s your work, your hobbies, an upcoming triathlon, even your dog—and talk about that. By paying attention to the parts of your life that are really important to you, you’ll find yourself gaining confidence overall.

2. Look the part. How can you tell a confident man walking down the street? He has good bearing and appears to know where he’s going. He dresses well (not necessarily conservatively), and his clothes maximize his physical attributes. All the details—glasses or sunglasses, shoes, haircut—bespeak a man who isn’t overly vain, but who cares about his image. And he never wears a shirt that would work better as a car-wash rag.

“Play it like a numbers game—if you interact with as many women as possible, you can just be playful and have fun. That’s what women respond to.”

But while a confident man will naturally appear this way, you may have to work at it. First, at the risk of sounding parental, stop slouching and stand up straight. No matter what kind of image you want to project—fast-track business guy, casual budding entrepreneur, the creative type—purchase clothing that speaks the language of success. “I swear this is true—women can spot expensive fabrics across a crowded room,”. Get help from a salesperson or fashion-savvy friend to make sure the clothes fit well and hide any flaws. And if you’ve been getting hacked up at Cheapie Cuts for years, ask a female friend for the name of a good hairstylist.

Of course, there is one exception to all of this: a man who is so supremely confident that he can walk around looking like he just rolled out of bed. It’s a style that says, It doesn’t matter what I look like—you’ll want me anyway. But the only guys who can get away with this are actors, rock stars and Frenchmen. Don’t even try it.

3. Sharpen your meeting-and-greeting skills. You’ll never succeed if you’re too afraid to meet women in the first place. Call it the “homina-homina-homina” syndrome. “All guys are nervous near attractive women—there’s no way to get around it,” says Ron Louis, a press agent and the co-author of How to Succeed With Women. “But you shouldn’t let that stop you.”

I recommend a gradual program that builds up your confidence in increments: Start by just saying hello to 10 attractive women per day. Move on to brief conversations, without the expectation that you’ll ask them out. Forget the cheesy opening lines; she knows you’re hitting on her—don’t make it even more obvious. If the best you can do is, “Come here often?” you’re better off sticking with elementary stuff like, “Hi, how are you doing?” Ask open-ended questions to get to know her better and involve her in the conversation. Practice all of this for a while, and you’ll have no problem moving up to the next level: asking her out.

4. Beat fear of rejection. Unless your name is Leo, when you approach a woman there’s always a chance she’ll turn you down (practicing step 3 will have steeled you a bit against this eventuality). Nobody likes it when this happens, but the uncertainty shouldn’t keep you from taking the initiative. How do you conquer a natural aversion to rejection? If you don’t have thousands to spend on therapy to work out your “mom” issues, practice, again, is the alternative. Simply start asking women out, and you’ll begin to see that when any one of them says no, it’s not the end of the world.

“The best way to deal with rejection is to have other choices available,” says Louis. “Play it like a numbers game—if you interact with as many women as possible, you can just be playful and have fun. That’s what women respond to.” Never focus your entire sense of self-worth on one woman’s response—not only can it shake your confidence, but she will probably sense your neediness, which can be a turn-off.

One more suggestion: Instead of hitting the clubs alone, go out with buddies who can encourage you to approach the women you’re interested in and support you when you’re turned down. “It may seem adolescent, but being with friends can make a big difference,” Louis says. Of course, this suggestion is a double-edged sword: Your buddies may use as many opportunities as possible to have a laugh at your expense. But if you have fun, this in itself may spike your confidence.

5. Exude subtle sexuality. When guys find themselves getting stuck in “just friends” relationships, it’s usually because they put themselves there—they’re afraid to present themselves as sexual beings or to openly express their interest in women. But despite this being the 21st century, the rules of engagement haven’t changed much: Unless a woman is extremely forward, the one responsible for initiating a romantic or sexual relationship is you.

Start out by admitting to yourself that you don’t just want to be friends with this woman—you find her attractive and would like to display that attraction in a variety of emotional and physical ways. Tell yourself, “I am a sexual person, and I could give this woman a huge amount of pleasure.” Then interact with her accordingly. Compliment her appearance (not crudely), sit close to her, and read her signals. It should be somewhat clear when to bring the discussion around to romance, relationships and, eventually, sex. Don’t be afraid to look at her with a certain amount of lust in your eyes (stop short of drooling). The best thing that you can do to make a woman attracted to you is to have really intense eye contact. A man who looks directly in your eyes while talking is very exciting to girls. Don’t stare, just keep your eyes on hers for an extra beat longer than you would ordinarily.

One last thing: Getting fit will make you feel more confident and look sexier—so make maintaining a regular workout program the final part of your confidence-boosting program.

Is it possible that, after all this, she’ll still rebuff you? Maybe, but so what? Every encounter is a learning experience that increases your understanding of the opposite sex. And if you’ve followed this program, you should be confident enough to realize there will be plenty more experiences to come.

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