How To Survive A Disastrous Love Affair

How can you mend a broken heart?" That's what Al Green sings in the melancholy song written by the Gibbs brothers. "How can you stop the rain from falling? ... I just want to live again."

The answer to these questions are as elusive as it was 25 years ago when Green first made that song an anthem for the love-forsaken. And in these fast times of love on the run and high-tech courting rituals, it seems that more and more people are suffering from broken hearts--and sometimes broken bodies--brought on by disastrous love affairs.

Consider the case of the Memphis computer analyst whose 15-year marriage ended last year. In reality, the relationship fell apart several years ago, but he was hopeful that he and his wife would stay together, and, after they separated, get back together, despite the rocky relationship. On several occasions she called the police to put him out of their nice suburban home, and she sent the sheriff to his job to serve him with a restraining order.

When told that the "love of my life" had remarried six months after the divorce was final, he was devastated. He cried. He considered suicide. He Felt that his life no longer had meaning. He tried to date but was so hurt and bitter that he ran the other women away with stories about his wife and rocky marriage. He considered moving to another part of the country but could not bear to be that far away from his child or his former wife. With the comfort and counsel of family and friends, he was able to emerge from the depression into which he had sunk. While those close to him say that he is not completely over his former wife, he says he is ready to move on with his life.

For those devastated by lost love, the immediate hurt can be excruciating. For many people, recovering from a painful divorce or breakup is the most exasperating challenge of a lifetime. The loss of love is beyond anything ever imagined, expected or predicted. There is a numbness, a feeling of hopelessness and desolation, and the inevitable depression takes down even the heartiest of spirits.

Dr. Samella B. Abdullah, president of the National Association of Black Psychologists, says individuals who suffer from lost love should give themselves time and permission to mourn. "When sad, you should cry," she says. "Tears help to release the pent-up painful emotions. Tears have been said to cleanse the soul. Therefore, you should freely engage in this cleansing process."

That applies to men as well.

She and other relationship therapists agree that crying and expressing your pain is a healthy way to ease the hurt. And it certainly is a better option than resorting to violence and other unhealthy releases. `If you become angry, you should verbalize that anger," says Dr. Abdullah, a psychotherapist and retired psychology professor. "If your ex-mate is available, you should express your anger to that person. You may also want to express your disappointments and anger about your former situation to close friends."

Those trying to recover from a calamitous affair or marriage also should consider keeping a diary or journal in which they can write freely about their emotional wounds. "Failure to express your sad, hurt or angry feelings could result in you becoming overwhelmed with emotions," says Dr. Abdullah, "which could lead to you showing bizarre behavior or committing acts you will regret later."

In his book, Mars and Venus Starting Over, Dr. John Gray says most people are tempted to move on before the healing process is complete. "... Our emotions can become unbearable," Gray writes. "To find relief we seek to escape our feelings of loss. By moving out of our feelings too soon, we unknowingly sabotage the healing process. We make decisions and plans that bring short-term relief but are counter-productive in the long run. The tendency to avoid and to resist painful feelings is the very thing that can cause various degrees of depression."

Individuals unable to verbally express their feelings should seek help from a mental health professional to help manage their personal crisis. "You do not

have the right to cause physical harm to anyone," says Dr. Abdullah. "You do have the right to be healthy and to pursue happiness."

However, for many coming out of a bad relationship, happiness is an elusion and sorrow a constant companion. A New York music executive recalls how the physical pain of unrequited love was so intense she felt her life was falling apart. "I loved him, was ready to dedicate my life to making him happy," she recalls, quietly reflecting on her disastrous affair. "After two years of dating, he dumped me. A few months later he married this woman, a bimbo. I was furious. I ranted and raved. I cried. Threw things around. My body hurt every time I thought of him. And I blamed myself. Maybe I was too smart, or was I not smart enough? Too ambitious? Not pretty and sexy enough?"

The music executive was in a funk for almost a year, during which she stopped socializing, grew cynical about life and men, and saw her job performance suffer. She finally sought help from a psychiatrist friend. After weeks of long, informal talks and unloading her feelings of rage, her self-confidence began to re-emerge. "My friend made me realistically evaluate the relationship," she says. "I began to realize that he was not such a good catch anyway. He was attractive, but he also was self-centered, arrogant, manipulative--and he was very elusive about some of his friends and his comings and goings."

Dr. Abdullah and other therapists say it is not unusual for those who experience a devastating love affair to sink into a depression and lose self-esteem. Even those who are in physically and mentally abusive relationships might feel bewildered and depressed when the relationship ends.

"It is unfortunate that no matter how disappointing or stormy the relationship, we tend to primarily focus on the good days with the other person," says Dr. Abdullah. "We even miss the hurtful acts and abuse. Too often, we grow accustomed to being mistreated. It would be helpful to view yourself as the wonderful, lovable human being you once knew yourself to be ... You ultimately must view the situation in a way where you are able to consider yourself liberated from the stress and pain of living each day with unfulfilled expectations and disappointments."

That is easier said than done. Dr. Helen Davis Gardner, a Chicago psychiatrist who specializes in women's issues and relationships, says a person coming out of a bad love affair must honestly evaluate the situation they are exiting. "Oftentimes people paint a rosy picture, but you need to realistically take a look at the relationship and yourself," she says.

Dr. Gardner, staff psychiatrist at Illinois Masonic Medical Center, recommends to her clients that they go through a checklist and ponder the following questions:

1. While you were with your partner, did you feel good about yourself?. Did you truly have good thoughts, happy thoughts when you would daydream about him or her?

2. Is your life less chaotic and more peaceful without your former partner? "A lot of times your lifestyle, your everyday existence, without the man [or woman] who caused you so much anguish is better than it was when you were with that person. But many people don't realize this at first," says Dr. Gardner.

3. Are your friends and family congratulating you rather than commiserating with you?

4. Can you now venture out and participate in activities that he or she prevented you from doing? Can you now see and talk to friends you were not able to or allowed to hang out with or keep in touch with when you were with him or her? "A lot of times bad relationships can be oppressive and restrictive," adds Dr. Gardner. "In many eases, the `victim' initially does not want to recognize that things are better without him [or her], that you wanted to do things and go places that your partner didn't want you to do or go."

5. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want you? Someone who wants to he with someone else?

Dr. Gardner says that if an individual who is trying to end or endure the breakup of a bad relationship answers no to either of these questions, then "you should recognize that you are better off without that partner."

She adds that many women equate physical sex with love, and the two are by no means the same thing. At the same time, she points out that women sometimes equate physical violence with a form of love. "Violence does not equal love," she emphasizes "Some women think, `He loves me so much and that is why he beats me up and won't let me go anywhere. He doesn't want me to be with anybody else. But women must be in control of their own lives and destinies. You must trust our instincts."

Another point that men and women should consider when trying to get over a bad relationship is the fact that you cannot change another person, and you should not blame yourself for the other person's faults. What you first see is what you get. You can't make that better, and many times it will get worse on its own. Negative patterns of behavior don't change. They are forewarnings for the future and should not be ignored. "A lot of people recognize a partner's faults early on, but they feel they can change them and make them a better person," says Dr. Gardner. "That seldom happens. We can't train men, and we can't train women. We can change no one but ourselves."

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